This has been a good day.

 It has been another month, and we are well into phase 2. And this is a good time to communicate.


It’s a good time to communicate because it’s been a good day. Since my last post, I had a fair number of bad days. I have been struck more than before by fatigue and poor resilience. I simply don’t snap back the way I used to. It doesn’t help that the weather here has been uncommonly, hot and humid. I have always found that being out in the sapped me somewhat, but right now being out in the sun for more than a few minutes drains me beyond all expectation. For a long time, we would say that Karen with her concerns needed to come in after an hour in the sun, and then I could continue for another hour and a half. That’s not true anymore. At least as hot as it is, I need to come in at an hour, if not sooner.


I’ve also lost weight. I’ve lost about 20 pounds since I started my regime. Between the weight loss and the exhaustion, last week I had about high-low point. I called to talk to my doctor, because I had hit desperation, something that I have long been able to fend off. When I saw him Monday, my first and most important question was, “I just need to have some idea of realistic expectations. What can I expect?.”  I know that’s awfully vague. I asked about the weight loss and he did seem concerned about that. We talked about the desperation and he did seem concerned about that. And, he also said, “Your PSA is doing what it’s supposed to do. Your body is adjusting. You can work with this for years. If it continues to be really uncomfortable, we might be able to make some changes, but it’s too soon to talk about that. But for right now, I want you to understand that you are actually looking very good.“


I am having to pay attention to and appreciate small successes. I have lost this way, but it’s not because I don’t enjoy food. I don’t snack the way I used to, but when I eat, food taste good. My exercise continues, and in some ways I’m getting stronger. If I take out a project, say something I want to cook, I can definitely see it through. Once I’m done, though, I’m done for another hour to two hours. Again, I find the early morning or the early evening to be easier. Maybe when the temperatures fall, it will be easier to do things like wear out the dog. But right now, I just have to appreciate every little thing, and mark each success.


In a way that’s why I wanted to do this on a good day. I have felt good today. I have gotten things done around the house that were just a part of the normal rhythm of life, but I got them done. I made some decisions this week to begin turning over some responsibilities with other organizations, and people have stepped up, willing to take a hand.


 I know a lot of this seems vague, but it is the very appreciation of the ordinary that is sustaining me right now. I am not capable of the exceptional. It just isn’t there. Making the ordinary work, and feeling like I’m still making some contribution, is what is getting me through day by day. When my doctor says that I can look forward to years (and I know nothing is promised to any of us), i’m still trying to find my new normal. This day has been a good day, and it started when I got up this morning and thought, “This feels like yesterday. This doesn’t feel like setting back or wondering what’s going on, but just like yesterday.“ Last time I talked about coming to a disciplined life, and that is certainly true. For many with the disciplined life, it is the external changes that come first, and they struggle with the internal changes. I think that I’m actually hitting some of the internal changes both physically and emotionally before the external changes all that apparent.


And in the meantime, it will be time for Compline I thought I would share on one of those.

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